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I wish sometimes people would come to me directly about situations instead of making up their own theories or conclusions. People think I am one way when in reality I am the complete opposite. 

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I’ve got color on my leg now. Sorry for the shit photo, I will get a better shot later. I have one more session to go…

My leg is fucking killing me though. 

I finally got the Prometheus bluray. Stoked. \m/

I just woke up. I am crying my eyes out. Anyone who is close to me knows how much I love Suicide Silence & how much Mitch Lucker influenced me. To wake up & find out he’s dead… it’s extremely heartbreaking. Mitch thank you so much for the music you created & all of the inspiration you gave me man. You influenced me & inspired me more than you will ever know. You will be missed so much dude. RIP brother. 

I am going to be honest. I am miserable. I’ve been trying to change it all. Seeing therapists/psychiatrist… taking medication. Nothing is working. I try to be happy..but I can’t seem to just hold onto it. I am only alive for my mom & brothers. Otherwise I have no desire to be alive. I won’t kill myself. That’s not an option for me…I just live & deal with being miserable all the time. It sucks.

I’ve become an expert at masking how I feel with a fake smile & laughter. 

Ever feel like when people say they care about you but you don’t believe them? Maybe I am incapable of comprehending the thought that anyone that isn’t my mother could care for me. I try my best to believe it but fail in the end. I love myself. Which is enough..but I do have times I hate everything about myself. I am trying to change this.. it’s a constant struggle.

Tonight this drunk dude started talking to me about music. We found out we knew a lot of the same people…went to some of the same schools blah blah. Just casual conversation at the bar.. But somehow the conversation turned into him telling me out of nowhere, “don’t let people get you down, don’t worry about what they say about you”. Man I can wholeheartedly say I don’t give a fuck what people think about me. The only opinions when it comes to people that matter to me or affect me in anyway are close friends or family. Otherwise I couldn’t care less if you don’t like how I look, talk, act, if I am fat etc. I don’t care. Some people honestly don’t care what others think of them. I am one of those people. This guy just couldn’t comprehend that. lol.

I want to say something.

White people or anyone for that matter.. you don’t speak for me or on my behalf when it comes to your little “fight” against racism or other things of that nature. I see it all over tumblr…the majority of it being white people thinking they’re sticking up for poc (a term I don’t like using btw.. we’re all a color lol). I mean.. cool you’re not racist. Awesome. Just keep in mind you don’t speak for me or have my views on the subject. Just sayin. 

This will be the only time I will post about this. Most of the time I don’t care about this shit.. but I just wanted to say that.

Cool. I am done.

Aside from everything in my life sucking currently. I will hopefully be starting a new gym hopefully next week. I will begin my new diet & begin using the Animal products/other stuff. 6 - 10 months I could have my body to where I want it.  I am excited to start.

my gay community experience.

Before anyone gets butthurt… this is just what I’ve experienced. I’m sure other people have had different experiences but this is what I have had to deal with.

For a while I have been trying to make gay friends.. I wanted to fit in within the gay community. Just to feel accepted somewhere. But I am cast out because I am not the right type of gay (skinny, toned body, overly flamboyant, name brand everything, randomly hooking up with strangers etc). If that is you…more power to you but not all gay men are like that. Which is probably why I don’t have the gay friends I am seeking…you guys simply annoy me.

Not that ALL gay dudes act like this online as well.. but some of the gay dudes I’ve encountered online are exactly how the gay dudes I’ve encountered act in person. Which is the exact reason why I don’t have many gay friends online. You annoy me. Not all… but a good majority of you are drama thirsty, arm flailing, always fitting the typical “gay stereotype”, passing judgment on everyone else but yourself, attention seeking hyenas. I can only take you dudes in small doses. I am gay… it’d be nice to have some gay dude friends…. but seriously every gay guy I’ve encountered has been the same.  

I will continue to try…but I will not be hopeful.  

I was just outside on my front porch for a cig break. It was dead silent outside. No animals, birds, cricket sounds.. not even any car sounds. Just pure silence. It’s a strange, creepy but comforting feeling. I like that shit.

Up thinking about a lot of stuff. Mostly things I want to change within my life. I have so many goals I want to complete…but right now everything seems so unattainable. The only goal I’ve reached this year is within the past week I’ve cut down on smoking cigarettes A LOT. I went from smoking almost 2 packs a day a week ago…to now maybe 2 - 4 cigs every other day. I am not sure I will quit completely.. but I will be cutting down. I’ve been spending most of my days by myself since moving back home. I see my best friend (which feels like my only friend) here & there. Besides that… I have no other human contact unless it’s with my mom/younger brother. I barely talk to my online friends as well… it’s like everyone has forgotten I exist. I feel really alone. People can say “no man you’re not alone you’ve got so many people who care” blah blah. That may be true…but that doesn’t change the fact that I feel utterly alone… like no one has my back, no one is on my side. I feel completely alone in the truest sense of the word. My mind is in a weird place..

Hopefully I can start making some progress with the things I want to change.  

I’ve always been a fat kid. Here’s the proof. I was 2 years old. lol. That’s my mom next to me btw.

Found this amongst my things in my moms house.
Original VHS of Heavyweights.
I wish I had a VHS player right now. 

Moving out.

Today is the last day for me to move my shit out of my apartment. Heading back to my moms house for a month or so till I get my new apartment with a friend. Hopefully I can get internet in the room over there or something. 

Also, while cleaning I found some of Doctor’s (my cat who passed recently) stuff/toys. So much shit is hitting me at once. I am surprised that I am keeping myself together. =/ 

I really miss you Doctor.