No need to read. I guess I just need to vent.
I’ve lied a lot in my life. Admitting & facing that truth was something I feared doing but I did it. I felt like a really bad person but realized I wasn’t. I’m a fairly decent person who is trying to learn from the mistakes I’ve made. I’ve experienced & seen first hand what kind of damage lying & being dishonest can do. It’s not good. I’ve been trying to be more honest & truthful lately. It feels better to just be upfront versus trying to lie/hide/mask the truths. I know I am going to lie about things here & there. I mean everyone lies. So I won’t say I will never tell a lie ever again. That in it self would be a lie. I will just do my best to be as honest as I can.
Another thing I am trying to figure out is how to handle those around me lying. I still feel like people close to me are lying. It could be my fear jumping to conclusions. but my instinct is almost always right. Do I ignore it? Do I confront family/friends/others? Do I do my own investigation for the truth? I am not sure.
The thing I dislike most about the “lgbtq” community is that lack of unity/togetherness/acceptance. I also don’t like that I can’t trust most gay/bi men. Even when you are in a relationship other gay/bi men will try to make a pass/flirt with you or your partner on & offline… even when they know either or is in a relationship.
Before anyone gets mad I am speaking on my behalf/experiences.
I went to see The Hobbit midnight showing with my bf & his friends the other day. As I was going up to the counter to get an Icee. The girl working the counter said, “this might be weird but are you Destroyer from tumblr?” I replied, “yeah that’s me!” She said she’s been following me for a few years & likes my blog. So I asked her to write down her URL that I would follow her once I got home. Now i am following her! (Hey girl, don’t be a stranger!) haha.
I know this is a random but it was cool to just randomly meet someone who had been following my blog for years. It was like awkward because I am not a people person.. but it was really cool. lol.
I’ve only worn those hanes/fotl type of underwear from walmart. Not that there is anything wrong with that, I enjoy walmart lol. What I am getting at is I’ve never been able to wear those “nice” underwear that I see skinny/fit dudes wear all the time from like AE & other places. Being a stocky chubby dude I just couldn’t find any in my size or any that fit properly to my body.. I always felt discouraged & down about it.. that has all changed. Since I’ve been losing weight over the past couple of years I can finally fit into underwear I’ve always wanted to wear. My boyfriend bought me my first few pairs this past month. This is so new for me. They look good on me & my bf thinks I look sexy in them too haha.
So my boyfriend is out of town to visit family for thanksgiving. It sucks. I miss my baby bear. It is our first thanksgiving together but we plan to celebrate our own special thanksgiving when he’s back.
I wish I could put what I feel into words. But words aren’t enough. I fell in love with the most amazing person I’ve ever had the honor to know. I love this butthead so much. It’s been barely 6 hours since you left & I already miss you. lol. I don’t give a fuck. I can’t wait to see him in a couple days. I love you Guy.
Tumblr use to be a place for me to go to escape. I’ve learned about a lot of stuff on here… gained some really cool friends & a lot of other things. It was fun, enjoyable & almost therapeutic. Tumblr has been stripped of all of that for me. Certain things I see on here now piss me off, make me depressed or really irritate the shit out of me. I have a lot of regret for things I wish I never posted. It bums me out a lot. I’m not a very social person.. tumblr was my source, my escape, my refuge when I didn’t want to be bothered with the bullshit of life. I hope the good I got from being on here returns. I need it.
I’m highly considering just deleting my account.
Do you know what it feels like to have cops, paramedics & other people be in complete awe/shock that you are alive after a bad accident? The way my car hit the tree… we should be dead but those seat belts saved our lives… but even then my car was so fucked & crushed… everyone’s shocked we made it. This is all sinking in still. I am so thankful & happy my boyfriend & I are alive.
Me & my boyfriend got into an accident last night. We almost died last night…. I’m happy we’re alive. Luckily we only walked away with bruised bodies, burns & a broken arm. Not sure how I feel… in a lot of pain. =(
These past few months have been some of the most memorable/best times of my life. It’s only getting better. I met an amazing human being who I am honored to call my boyfriend & my best friend. Since meeting him I’ve quit smoking. I’ve cut down on drinking. I’ve been learning so much about myself, gaining some wisdom & growing into what I hope is a better version of myself. I’ve also been conquering a lot of my fears I’ve harbored over the years. I never thought I’d be able to experience a lot of the feelings & things I’ve had recently… All I can say is I am extremely thankful for having someone truly special who I connect with like no other person in my life as well as all of the opportunities to learn, grow & better myself. This happiness in addition to the happiness I already had is awesome. I love you Guy.
I’m on this mini-vacation up north with the bf. It’s been going awesome! Last night we were watching a meteor shower & sitting on this beautiful lake… Quite the experience. I went on a boat for the first time today. I also went fishing for the first time. It’s been so romantic & fun as hell. Never thought I’d experience stuff like this. I am really thankful.
This fall/winter I am planning on taking a road trip for the fuck of it. (saving up & getting new tires/tune up for my car) I wonder who of my internet friends I will get to meet/who would want to finally meet me? I wonder how awkward it would be… Thinking about this is getting me excited.
I’ll have booze, blunts & pizza to break the ice doe. wassup.
A lot of people I’ve dated in the past have ruined how I handle things now. With all the bullshit I’ve been through.. everything is a trigger for me it seems these days. I realized I can no longer place that blame on anyone but myself for letting it happen. It’s up to me to get out of this & not let these feelings get the best of me.
Eventually I will get past this for sure. For now.. I want to sulk.
My mom gave me a hug this morning. She goes on to say, “I can wrap my arms around you now.” Because of the weight I’ve been losing.
I really needed that. Brightened up this dull day a little.