I’ve learned that I am a very jealous & insecure person. It’s been acknowledged. Facing that truth is hard…. now my next step is to grow from that. Not sure how but I feel like I am on the right path. I hope.
I’ve seen so many cool posts promoting body positivity for women of all shapes & sizes… That stuff is awesome. I am definitely supportive of it. The thing that bothers me is that I rarely see anything geared toward men. I just wish I could see more of that on my dashboard & in the world.
Personally I know I struggle with being positive about my body & I know many other dudes of all shapes & sizes who struggle with this too. It’d be nice to see more light shed on the issues that some of us men deal with.
I’ve been considering making YouTube videos for the longest time. I’m just not sure what they’d be about. I don’t know if I am funny, attractive, interesting enough or have what it takes. Hell Idk where I would start.
Job Hunting Rant
I’ve been applying for jobs for several months now. I’ve had no luck… of the dozens of places I’ve applied for I’ve had 2 interviews.
Interview 1: Was for the boys & girls club. It didn’t work out because my plugs/lip piercings were a slight issue. Fast forward a few months (this month) The girl hired for the position has the same piercings & stretched out ears & even has green tipped hair. And not only that it turns out the lady who interviewed me was stealing money from the boys & girls club and was fired. -_-
Interview 2: Sally’s Beauty. They had NO problem with my piercings/plugs. Even loved my hair. I even had a few of the female employees recommend me. I’ve been calling back for almost a month or 2. I finally was able to get a hold of the manager (who never seems to be there) today & she tells me oh its you! You were actually highly recommended but I already gave the position to someone else.
I have past work experience. I dress nice for getting applications/interviews. I have a smile on my face. I am very polite. Persistent about these positions I’ve applied for/shown interest in… I even get recommendations from people working at these places. I do all that I can but nothing seems to work.
I feel so discouraged right now. I am fuckin broke. I need a job. I need money. I have bills to pay & things I need to do. I’m living on barely $200 a month. This shit is really bumming me out.
I need to make music again.
I need to pour all of this anger, rage, stress, hate & heartache that I harbor into some really heavy pissed off music. I can feel my soul aching to release this shit cause I know there are others out there who feel/think the way I do.
No need to read. I guess I just need to vent.
I’ve lied a lot in my life. Admitting & facing that truth was something I feared doing but I did it. I felt like a really bad person but realized I wasn’t. I’m a fairly decent person who is trying to learn from the mistakes I’ve made. I’ve experienced & seen first hand what kind of damage lying & being dishonest can do. It’s not good. I’ve been trying to be more honest & truthful lately. It feels better to just be upfront versus trying to lie/hide/mask the truths. I know I am going to lie about things here & there. I mean everyone lies. So I won’t say I will never tell a lie ever again. That in it self would be a lie. I will just do my best to be as honest as I can.
Another thing I am trying to figure out is how to handle those around me lying. I still feel like people close to me are lying. It could be my fear jumping to conclusions. but my instinct is almost always right. Do I ignore it? Do I confront family/friends/others? Do I do my own investigation for the truth? I am not sure.
The thing I dislike most about the “lgbtq” community is that lack of unity/togetherness/acceptance. I also don’t like that I can’t trust most gay/bi men. Even when you are in a relationship other gay/bi men will try to make a pass/flirt with you or your partner on & offline… even when they know either or is in a relationship.
Before anyone gets mad I am speaking on my behalf/experiences.
Oh yeah! I met a follower of mine!
I went to see The Hobbit midnight showing with my bf & his friends the other day. As I was going up to the counter to get an Icee. The girl working the counter said, “this might be weird but are you Destroyer from tumblr?” I replied, “yeah that’s me!” She said she’s been following me for a few years & likes my blog. So I asked her to write down her URL that I would follow her once I got home. Now i am following her! (Hey girl, don’t be a stranger!) haha.
I know this is a random but it was cool to just randomly meet someone who had been following my blog for years. It was like awkward because I am not a people person.. but it was really cool. lol.
I’ve only worn those hanes/fotl type of underwear from walmart. Not that there is anything wrong with that, I enjoy walmart lol. What I am getting at is I’ve never been able to wear those “nice” underwear that I see skinny/fit dudes wear all the time from like AE & other places. Being a stocky chubby dude I just couldn’t find any in my size or any that fit properly to my body.. I always felt discouraged & down about it.. that has all changed. Since I’ve been losing weight over the past couple of years I can finally fit into underwear I’ve always wanted to wear. My boyfriend bought me my first few pairs this past month. This is so new for me. They look good on me & my bf thinks I look sexy in them too haha.
I fell in love & it’s fuckin awesome.
So my boyfriend is out of town to visit family for thanksgiving. It sucks. I miss my baby bear. It is our first thanksgiving together but we plan to celebrate our own special thanksgiving when he’s back.
I wish I could put what I feel into words. But words aren’t enough. I fell in love with the most amazing person I’ve ever had the honor to know. I love this butthead so much. It’s been barely 6 hours since you left & I already miss you. lol. I don’t give a fuck. I can’t wait to see him in a couple days. I love you Guy.
Tumblr use to be a place for me to go to escape. I’ve learned about a lot of stuff on here… gained some really cool friends & a lot of other things. It was fun, enjoyable & almost therapeutic. Tumblr has been stripped of all of that for me. Certain things I see on here now piss me off, make me depressed or really irritate the shit out of me. I have a lot of regret for things I wish I never posted. It bums me out a lot. I’m not a very social person.. tumblr was my source, my escape, my refuge when I didn’t want to be bothered with the bullshit of life. I hope the good I got from being on here returns. I need it.
I’m highly considering just deleting my account.
this is so unreal.
Do you know what it feels like to have cops, paramedics & other people be in complete awe/shock that you are alive after a bad accident? The way my car hit the tree… we should be dead but those seat belts saved our lives… but even then my car was so fucked & crushed… everyone’s shocked we made it. This is all sinking in still. I am so thankful & happy my boyfriend & I are alive.