My anniversary with my boyfriend is coming up in 2 months. Time goes by so fast. I still get butterflies in my stomach around him. I didn’t think that would be possible but it is. I still even crush on him like we aren’t even dating..haha. I love the buff nerdy meat head he is. I love you Guy.
I haven’t had a drink/been drunk since once in February & one time in October. I’ve cut down my drinking significantly. I loved drinking. I used to do it a lot. But not so much anymore.
Right now I am kinda tipsy/drunk.The one thing I hated about drinking was I start to think A LOT, reflect on my life/the things in my life & wonder about what I really want in life.
I just want to feel good, eat food & not feel sad/shitty thoughts. lol.
I can’t wait to build this courage up/get the right equipment to make youtube videos. I am getting a little bothered with some of these gay dudes that are popular on youtube who are suppose to represent gay men. I do not feel represented at all. Hopefully I can show a little diversity & that other gay men exist outside of the typical “twink-fem-yasssgurl~” stereotype that most people have of gay dudes.
I just got back from walking to the gas station. I was inside getting ready to make a purchase & this big group of dudes asked me to buy them a blunt wrap. I said, “naw I can’t do that”. They got an attitude.. said, “ight bet”. They went outside. I make my purchase, step outside, they are all outside huddled up. I can’t take these dudes on. So I go the opposite direction.. I just looked forward, kept walking but I could hear them behind me. I tried to call someone to come get me but they didn’t pick up. Luckily I was able to ditch them & made it home.
But come on… all of that over a blunt wrap? Pathetic.
I’m getting tired of that whole thing. I’m tired of feeling like I have to be one or the other. The moment I style my hair & decide to dress nice… I’m labeled “feminine”. Because I have this deep voice, masculine appearance/traits & a beard… I have to be & do all things that stick to the masculine title. I don’t like labels or being labeled. I’m not a fan of categories either. Why can’t I just be?
I’ve learned that I am a very jealous & insecure person. It’s been acknowledged. Facing that truth is hard…. now my next step is to grow from that. Not sure how but I feel like I am on the right path. I hope.
Over the course of 8 - 10 months I have lost 2,000+ followers from both not posting as much & certain things I posted bothered people. Which is fine & completely understandable. I never knew I would amass so many followers on here. It’s crazy. Despite what people may think I appreciate all of you. I appreciate any & all support, every reblog, every like, every message, every follow I get. I am really thankful for all of it. Tumblr has gotten me through some tough shit over the years & has also given me so many laughs, I’ve even learned a lot because of tumblr. I’ve also gained some pretty cool life long friends from here. I am forever thankful for this site, all that it has to offer & all of you.
I hope you all continue to follow me & enjoy my blog. Thank you so much.
I’ve seen so many cool posts promoting body positivity for women of all shapes & sizes… That stuff is awesome. I am definitely supportive of it. The thing that bothers me is that I rarely see anything geared toward men. I just wish I could see more of that on my dashboard & in the world.
Personally I know I struggle with being positive about my body & I know many other dudes of all shapes & sizes who struggle with this too. It’d be nice to see more light shed on the issues that some of us men deal with.
I’ve been considering making YouTube videos for the longest time. I’m just not sure what they’d be about. I don’t know if I am funny, attractive, interesting enough or have what it takes. Hell Idk where I would start.
I’ve been applying for jobs for several months now. I’ve had no luck… of the dozens of places I’ve applied for I’ve had 2 interviews.
Interview 1: Was for the boys & girls club. It didn’t work out because my plugs/lip piercings were a slight issue. Fast forward a few months (this month) The girl hired for the position has the same piercings & stretched out ears & even has green tipped hair. And not only that it turns out the lady who interviewed me was stealing money from the boys & girls club and was fired. -_-
Interview 2: Sally’s Beauty. They had NO problem with my piercings/plugs. Even loved my hair. I even had a few of the female employees recommend me. I’ve been calling back for almost a month or 2. I finally was able to get a hold of the manager (who never seems to be there) today & she tells me oh its you! You were actually highly recommended but I already gave the position to someone else.
I have past work experience. I dress nice for getting applications/interviews. I have a smile on my face. I am very polite. Persistent about these positions I’ve applied for/shown interest in… I even get recommendations from people working at these places. I do all that I can but nothing seems to work.
I feel so discouraged right now. I am fuckin broke. I need a job. I need money. I have bills to pay & things I need to do. I’m living on barely $200 a month. This shit is really bumming me out.
I need to pour all of this anger, rage, stress, hate & heartache that I harbor into some really heavy pissed off music. I can feel my soul aching to release this shit cause I know there are others out there who feel/think the way I do.
So my boyfriend made this for me. I’ve never had anything like this done for me. I am at a loss for words. Each card had a reason on it with why he loves me. lsdflkfjsdjksfd ^_^
No need to read. I guess I just need to vent.
I’ve lied a lot in my life. Admitting & facing that truth was something I feared doing but I did it. I felt like a really bad person but realized I wasn’t. I’m a fairly decent person who is trying to learn from the mistakes I’ve made. I’ve experienced & seen first hand what kind of damage lying & being dishonest can do. It’s not good. I’ve been trying to be more honest & truthful lately. It feels better to just be upfront versus trying to lie/hide/mask the truths. I know I am going to lie about things here & there. I mean everyone lies. So I won’t say I will never tell a lie ever again. That in it self would be a lie. I will just do my best to be as honest as I can.
Another thing I am trying to figure out is how to handle those around me lying. I still feel like people close to me are lying. It could be my fear jumping to conclusions. but my instinct is almost always right. Do I ignore it? Do I confront family/friends/others? Do I do my own investigation for the truth? I am not sure.
The thing I dislike most about the “lgbtq” community is that lack of unity/togetherness/acceptance. I also don’t like that I can’t trust most gay/bi men. Even when you are in a relationship other gay/bi men will try to make a pass/flirt with you or your partner on & offline… even when they know either or is in a relationship.
Before anyone gets mad I am speaking on my behalf/experiences.
I went to see The Hobbit midnight showing with my bf & his friends the other day. As I was going up to the counter to get an Icee. The girl working the counter said, “this might be weird but are you Destroyer from tumblr?” I replied, “yeah that’s me!” She said she’s been following me for a few years & likes my blog. So I asked her to write down her URL that I would follow her once I got home. Now i am following her! (Hey girl, don’t be a stranger!) haha.
I know this is a random but it was cool to just randomly meet someone who had been following my blog for years. It was like awkward because I am not a people person.. but it was really cool. lol.